(We open back in the boys' drawing room/office. Sally comes in as Ma Kelly brings Slip a tray of muffins and tea.)
Sally: Hello, Slip. How's the paper? Anything interesting?
Slip: Other than a half dozen articles about the robbery last night. *throws the paper down in disgust* Chuck woulda right in there wit' 'em if they hadn't grabbed him.
Sally: I feel terrible, too. I wish I knew what they did with them!
Ma: Sach is upstairs now, developing those photos.
Sally: Has he finished them yet? What about Whitey?
Slip: He's s'posed to be helpin' him.
Ma: I'm sure they'll be done any second now! Those two are geniuses!
Sally: (Raises an eyebrow) They're certainly something.
Slip: I had a different word for them.
Sach: Slip! Slip! Ma! (He and Whitey run downstairs) We got 'em!
Slip: You actually got them?
Whitey: Yeah, we did! Look!
(Sach shows the old-fashioned, sepia-toned photos of first the party guests, then Suzanne posed...with DuVal, two goons, and a strange machine with spider-like arms clearly seen in the window behind her.)
Sally: (Grins) They did get it! They got them with their hands in the cookie jar!
Sach: Chiefy, we've gotta get these to the cops!
Slip: For once, Sach, ya did good. C'mon, letís get goin' wit' these.
(But before anyone can get anywhere, suddenly what looks like long, brass arms break through the windows closest to them!)
Ma: What in tarnation is this? (She starts beating at the arms with a poker)
Slip: Not again!
Sally: Let go! (One of the arms grabs at her)
*Slip goes after the arm thatís attacking Sally.*
Sach: Hey! (Two more arms grab at the pictures) Gimmie! (He plays tug-of-war with the pictures)
Whitey: Not the pictures!
Sally: (As Slip smacks the arm away) We have to get the pictures to the police!
Slip: Whitey! Take the pictures to the police!
Sach: (The arms finally pick him up by the seat of his pants...but the pictures flutter to the floor) My photos! (He's tossed into a chair as the arm leans over to grab them)
Whitey: I'm trying, Slip! *He manages to collect the pictures before the arm can.*
Ma: (She grabs her hat hanging on the rack) I'm goin' with you, boy! I'm safer with the cops than with whatever that thing is!
(The arms have already started to retreat. Sally pulls away, frowning.)
Sally: Ma, Whitey, take a cab. That...thing...will surely catch you on the streets!
Whitey: C'mon, Ma!
(Ma and Whitey hurry out as Sally and Slip go over to help Sach out of the chair.)
Sally: Are you ok?
Sach: (Checks his nose; then) Yeah, I'm fine. That dumb arm at least threw me into somethin' soft.
Slip: This is gettin' ridiculous.
Sally: Let's follow those arms. Maybe we could get to the bottom of this and at least find Butch and Chuck, not to mention poor Daniel.
Slip: *Nods* Letís go.
(Fade out on Slip and Sally grabbing their coats and hats and hurrying out. Fade in on the basement again. Butch and Daniel are still tied to chairs. They both look up as a plethora of brass arms seemingly attached to nothing drag Chuck downstairs. As they come further out of the shadows, we see they're protruding from a strange steam-powered machine covered in knobs and dials.)
(DuVal, Suzanne, and a few goons follow.)
Suzanne: Was it necessary to rough up the poor kid? He's cute!
DuVal: *Shrugs* It was necessary.
Butch: (As the men throw Chuck into a chair) What did you do to him?
Goon #1: Boss, do you wanna help us tie him up? You sure enjoyed smackin' him!
DuVal: Yes, I would.
Daniel: *Gulps* Is he okay?
DuVal: He's simply unconscious. He fought back too much.
Goon #1: (Hands him rope) Here ya go, Boss.
Butch: If you do anythin' worse to him, I'll...
DuVal: *As he winds the rope around Chuck* You'll what?
Butch: Kick you in the important places again!
*DuVal growls in Daniel's direction. Daniel yelps and cowers.*
Butch: (Rolls his eyes, then turns to Chuck) Chuck? Are you ok?
*Chuck groans, but his head remains bowed.*
Suzanne: I hope so! I still want that interview!
Butch: The only thing you're going to be interviewed for is the Jail Newsletter!
Suzanne: I hope not. I'd look terrible and black and white horizontal stripes!
DuVal: *To Butch* You are a very troublesome young man.
Butch: And you're a thief and a jerk.
Goon #1: (Yanks Chuck's arms behind his back as he does them) Come on, Boss, it's fun! You do his legs!
*Chuck winces but doesn't awaken.*
DuVal: Gladly. *takes another piece of rope and ties Chuck's legs*
Goon #2: We'd better tie the legs on the other guys, too.
Butch: Stay away from me.
DuVal: *To Butch* Especially you.
Butch: Try it, and you'll be walkin' on one leg.
Daniel: Can't I just promise to not move?
Goon #2: (Taps Daniel on the shoulder) This guy keeps whinin'! Can we gag him?
*Daniel yelps and shrugs the goon away.*
DuVal: Go ahead. He's giving me a headache.
Daniel: Oh! I have a fear being gagged! I start hyperventilating!
Butch: Dan, enough already.
Suzanne: You have a fear of everything, Daniel.
*Daniel nods quickly.*
(The first goon yanks a cloth into Daniel's mouth and ties it tightly.)
*Daniel whimpers and mutters loudly into the gag.*
*DuVal ties Butch's legs, avoiding his kicks.*
DuVal: *To Butch* I'm going to enjoy hearing less from you as well. *pulls out a handkerchief*
Butch: Touch me, and I'll bite your finger off!
DuVal: I'm scared. *pulls the handkerchief quickly and tightly around Butch's mouth*
(Butch yelps angrily, but his cries are muffled by the handkerchief.)
Goon #1: (Shakes Chuck) What about this guy?
DuVal: *Pulls out another handkerchief* I'll take care of him as well for when he wakes up. *ties the handkerchief around Chuck's mouth*
(Butch lets out his muffled cries in Chuck's direction.)
Suzanne: It's a shame we're probably going to have to get rid of them after we sell the jewels. They really are cute.
DuVal: *Shakes his head* They're all cute to you.
Suzanne: But none of them are cuter than you. (Kisses him on the lips)
DuVal: About time, Suzanne.
DuVal: Letís go. *turns to the goons* Men, you may have a little fun here, if you wish.
Goon #1: Sure, Boss!
Suzanne: (Takes his arm) Why don't we go upstairs to the office and have a little fun? There's no show today.
DuVal: Certainly. An excellent idea.
Suzanne: (Takes his arm) Let's go, honey man.
*DuVal smirks as he and Suzanne walk off arm in arm.*
Goon #1: That leaves us to work on these guys! (He yanks Chuck by the hair) Hey Sleepin' Beauty, it's time for you to end that little cat nap.
*Chuck groans into the gag as his eyelids flutter. Daniel whimpers, his eyes wide.*
Goon #2: This'll be fun. *slaps Butch's face*
(Butch winces, then growls at the goon.)
Goon #1: What about this wimp? (He just barks at Daniel)
*Daniel winces and cowers.*
Goon #2: *Laughs* All ya gotta do is look at 'im funny, and he reacts!
Goon #1: Ok! (He makes a scary face at Daniel)
*Daniel whimpers, turning his head away.*
Goon #1: Ehh, that guy is chicken! He's no fun!
Goon #2: *Slaps Butch again* I like real reactions.
(Butch's head snaps back at that one. He shakes his head to clear it, then growls at the goon again. He turns to Chuck, concerned.)
*Chuck's eyes open, but he's clearly dazed.*
Goon #1: Sleepin' Beauty's awake! (He gives Chuck's hair a good yank again)
*Chuck winces again and moans into the gag. Daniel has his head bowed. He can't watch.*
Goon #1: Yeah, I'd be groanin' if I awoke to some of these guys, too. (He smacks Chuck on the side of the head)
*Chuck moans again.*
Goon #2: Now that's a fun game. *smacks the side of Butch's head*
(Butch winces and makes a face at the goon.)
Goon #1: Yeah! (Does the other side of Chuck's head...harder)
*Chuck's eyes water as he slowly turns his head back to the goon.*
Goon #1: (He grabs Chuck's chin and yanks it up) Why don't we make these guys less cute? So the girls ain't so eager to jump on them!
*Chuck's eyes widen.*
Goon #1: (Pulls out a pocket knife) You got yours?
Goon #2: *Pulls his knife out* Sure do.
(That's when the door bursts open. Sach runs downstairs first...but then starts running up when he's shoved back down.)
Sach: Oop! They're armed...in which case, I shouldn't be here.
Slip: *Appears behind Sach* Get in there and help them! *gives him a shove*
Goon #1: Well, lookie-here. A shrimp, a stick, and a little girl.
Slip: I'll show you a shrimp! *throws a fist at the goon*
(That fist stuns the goon, who drops his knife and falls back into the wall.)
Sally: LITTLE? I'll show you little! (She knees the other goon in the groin)
Sach: (Ducks behind Daniel's chair) You get 'em, Chief! Come on, Sally!
*Daniel looks up at Sach and mumbles "Get this off!" into his gag.*
Sach: Ok! (He yanks the handkerchief off) Boy, are we glad to see you guys! You wouldn't believe the things that are goin' on!
Daniel: *Whines* I've seen enough!
Sally: (She knees the man again, which leaves him groaning on the floor; grabs one of the discarded knives and uses it to cut Butch loose) Are you guys ok?
Butch: (As she removes the gag) Yeah. They were gonna slice Chuckie n' me to ribbons!
*Slip knocks out the other goon and goes to help Chuck.*
Butch: Chuck, are you ok? They really worked you over! They did it even before they brought him down here!
Sally: I'll get his feet. You get his arms. (She cuts the ropes on Chuck's ankles loose)
Slip: *Cuts Chuck's arms loose* You definitely look like you've had better days.
Chuck: I feel like it, too.
Slip: *Goes to cut Daniel free* You cold or som'en? Yer shiverin'.
Daniel: I'm shaking from fear!
Sally: We have to find DuVal and those machines, before he takes off.
Sach: (Nods) Yeah. The cops should be here soon, too. We sent Whitey and Ma Kelly after 'em.
Butch: How will they believe us?
Sach: Oh, I took some pictures of the bad guys last night.
Chuck: I'm glad it worked.
Sach: Yeah. Whitey and Ma are takin' them to the cops now.
Butch: (Stands) Suzanne and DuVal went upstairs to his office. If we hurry, we might be able to catch them before they take off with the jewels!
(The group hurries back upstairs as the goons lay on the floor groaning.)
(Cut to the upstairs office. DuVal and Suzanne lay in each other's arms in the settee, kissing each other. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and the Boys and Sally pile in.)
Suzanne: (Looks at DuVal) Honey, were they invited?
DuVal: Certainly not.
(Butch wolf-whistles. Sach's rubber lips go. Suzanne pulls her skirt back over her thigh and garter belt.)
Slip: Don't end the show on our account. *folds his arms and smirks*
DuVal: You little...
Suzanne: This is private! Go away! Shoo! Shoo! (She tries to wave them away, but almost ends up on the floor)
Sach: What do we look like? Flies?
Sally: Where's the jewels?
Suzanne: I wish they were on my throat.
Slip: Yer usin' some kinda contraption that stole the jewels, then tried to attack us.
Suzanne: That's Bela. I don't deal with that aspect. I just wear the goods.
Sally: You tried to frame me!
Suzanne: Because it was so easy! (She pulls DuVal close to her) And I didn't like the way my Bela was cozying up to you.
Sally: I told him I wasn't interested!
Butch: You grabbed Daniel and me when we told Chuck we'd talk!
DuVal: Where's your proof?
Sach: In my pal Whitey's hands.
Sally: And probably sitting on the lap of the Chief of Police by now!
Sach: I got some really good pictures of her (points at Suzanne), and you (points at DuVal), and some other guys, and those weird spider machines of yours. (Shakes his finger at DuVal) Tsk, tsk, takin' things that don't belong to you!
Suzanne: Where are those boys of yours, honey? Call them!
Butch: Sorry, Miss DeLiss, but they're not available right now.
Slip: *Punches a fist into his other hand* They're takin' much needed naps.
Sach: (Shakes his fist in DuVal's face) Ok, pal, tell us where the jewels are, or the Chief will have to use this!
DuVal: *Grounds out* They're in the safe.
Slip: And you ain't gonna give us the combination, right?
DuVal: Smart boy.
Daniel: *Timidly* Um...I can open it.
Sach: Can I help? I'm good at openin' stuff! I open jars of peanut butter for Ma Kelly all the time!
Daniel: This is a little different.
Slip: Where's the safe?
DuVal: *Sighs* Behind the painting. *points at it*
Sach: Ok! (He grabs the painting...and finds a painting of a safe) Funny. (Takes that painting off and reveals the real safe)
Daniel: Thanks. *Leans in; presses his ear to the safe and starts turning the dial*
Sach: Gettin' anythin' good?
Daniel: Shhh! *turns the dial the other way*
Daniel: *Turns the dial the other way, and it clicks; he pulls the door open* Ta daa!
DuVal: *Groans* I don't believe it.
Sach: (He pulls out a large box) We got it, Chief! We got it!
DuVal: *Pulls a gun from inside his jacket* Okay, boys, enough of this foolishness.
Suzanne: Why didn't you do that sooner?
DuVal: You were blocking it.
Goon #1: (He and the other man appear at the door with their knives) Sorry, Boss! They got away from us!
DuVal: About time you showed up.
Goon #2: They outnumbered us, Boss!
Goon #1: Attacked us, too!
Suzanne: Well, you have the knives! Do something to them!
DuVal: Lets take this party downstairs, shall we?
Sally: If you think you're getting away with this...
Sach: Yeah! My pal Whitey will be here any minute!
Butch: (Winces as the goon pokes him) Watch where you put that!
Goon #2: I'll put this where I wanna put it.
Sally: (As they push everyone down to the stage) Honey, what are we going to do? The cops are supposed to be coming...but we may not live long enough to see them!
Slip: We gotta stall as long as we can.
Suzanne: (When they arrive at the stage) Now, my dear, how are we going to get rid of them?
Goon #1: Why don't they play with the machines?
DuVal: I think that's rather fitting.
Sach: Sure, I'll play with some machines! I love machines! How about those new ones, with the cranks that you turn an' you can see a lady dancin'?
Daniel: I d-don't th-think h-he m-means th-that k-kind.
DuVal: Not exactly.
(That's when we hear a strange clanking noise. DuVal reveals a large black box with a big lever on it, which he manipulates. As he does, three huge brass machines that look like gold spider legs attached to blocky boilers covered with knobs and dials lumber out...and immediately make for Slip and Sach.)
Slip: What the hell are these ugly things!?
Suzanne: Amazing, aren't they? My Bela here invented them.
Sach: (He jumps behind Slip) Eat him first! He's fatter!
(The arms reach for Danny first.)
Daniel: *Yelps* I'm allergic to brass! *the arms pick him up* HEEEEELP!
Slip: *Shakes his head* Of all the ridiculous...
Sach: Go get 'em, Chief! Hey! (The arms on the second one drag him away and start smacking his rear) I didn't do anything! Ow! Ow!
Slip: *Groans* Great...
(Next, the arms reach for Chuck.)
Chuck: *tries to swat at the arms* Get away!
*The arm picks up Chuck by the back of his jacket. He waves his arms and kicks his legs, but hits nothing.*
*The arms hold Daniel up high. He has one hand over his eyes and the other hand on his stomach, and he appears to be turning green. He moans.*
Slip: *jumps on the machine hold Chuck* PUT HIM DOWN!!! *whacks it repeatedly with his hat*
Butch: Yeah! (He starts pulling at levers - they steam a bit.)
Sally: Stop it! Let them go! (She grabs at levers, too, but two more arms grab her and push her at DuVal.)
DuVal: Hello, my dear.
Suzanne: (Makes a face) Oh no, you don't! (She grabs the lever and makes it pick up Sally and squeeze her tight)
Sally: (Gasps) Stop!
DuVal: Suzanne! *grabs the lever to let Sally go and push her back to him; to Sally* Welcome back, my dear.
Sally: (The machines still hold her; she kicks at him) Let me go!
Suzanne: Yeah, let her go!
DuVal: Not a chance.
Butch: (He grabs at the valves; to Slip) One of these has to slow these guys down!
Slip: I'll try anythin' right now. *starts turning valves*
Suzanne: Stop it! You're my man, not hers! (Grabs at the box and yanks at the lever)
DuVal: Never said I was hers! *grabs the box and yanks the lever; the lever breaks* Now see what you did!
Butch: (The machines let out a strange "ping" and a whirring noise) Uh-oh. I don't think they sound happy.
Slip: I definitely don't like the sounda that!
(Suddenly, they drop anyone they were holding and start racing around the stage, flattening everything and spewing smoke.)
Sach: (He rubs his rear) Oh, my backside is never gonna feel the same again!
Chuck: Ooooh, what a rough landing.
Sally: Slip! (She runs to him)
Slip: *Winces* I'm all right, Sal. You okay?
Sally: Yeah, Iím fine.
*Daniel moans and scrambles for the edge of the stage. He hangs his head over just in time for the sound of violent retching.*
Butch: (Rubs Daniel's back) I told you not to eat that salami sandwich so fast yesterday!
*Daniel just moans again.*
Suzanne: Get out of the way! They're going crazy! (She grabs DuVal and dives for the curtains as two of the machines come their way)
Sach: What are we gonna do, Chief?
Sally: (Looks at Slip) Maybe we could make them hit each other?
Slip: I'm all for it.
Sach: If we are, we'd better get outta their way. They're comin' straight at us!
(Sach, Sally, and Slip dive out of the machines' way as they come from all corners. Whitey and Ma Kelly hurry down the center aisle with the police just in time to see the three machines run smack into each other! Smoke and steam drift heavily from the pile of brass parts, obscuring the people onstage.)
Butch: (He leads Daniel back over) Is there a doctor in the house? He's sick!
Sach: (Grabs the jewels back from Suzanne) I'll take that back, lady! And they'd look terrible on your neck! You don't have enough neck!
Police Sergeant: (Turns to DuVal) Lad, what's been goin' on here? What are these bloomin' creatures?
DuVal: I'm not talking.
Police Sergeant: We know it's you, lad. We saw the pictures that this young man gave us, sure as we saw it with our own eyes.
Suzanne: (She finally smacks him) You! This was all your idea! You wanted to sell all those jewels on the black market! "Trust me, sweetheart," you said. "You'll be up to your ears in furs and diamonds," you said. "We'll run off to Jamaica," you said. Why did I ever trust a sap like you?
DuVal: And it was your idea to frame her! *points at Sally*
Sally: (Growls) You BITCH! (She jumps on Suzanne; they roll across the floor, screaming and shrieking and tearing hair and dresses)
Sach: Wow! Slip, Sally's gonna kill that chick!
Slip: *Folds his arms* Let 'er.
Police Sergeant: (He and one of his men finally drag the two women away from each other. Both are red-faced and angry; Suzanne's skimpy dress is torn) Ladies, ladies! Please! If you keep doin' this, we'll have to haul you both down to the station!
Officer #1: We're going to need statements from everyone as it is.
Butch: (Nods at Daniel) They kidnapped us (points at DuVal) to keep us from talking to the reporter and the detectives.
*Daniel nods, despite having his head between his knees.*
Chuck: And they kidnapped me at the ball.
Police Sergeant: Did they, now? (Turns to DuVal) Were you trying to keep this laddie from talkin', too?
DuVal: *Glowers* Yes.
Police Sergeant: Well, grand theft larceny AND kidnapping! We're just adding to the list of crimes now, aren't we? (Turns to his men) Take 'em away! (He turns to Slip) You done well here, Mahoney. You'll probably be gettin' a reward to share with these lads for this.
Sally: I'll give my reward to Uncle Louie to buy back his tavern from the bank.
Sach: I'll buy all the ice cream phosphates I want with mine!
Sach: How about you, Chief?
Slip: I dunno yet.
Sally: Why don't you and I take a trip? Get away from New York for a while?
Sach: Can I come too, Chief? I always wanted to see Mexico! (Does what he thinks looks like a Mexican hat dance)
Slip: *To Sally* Do we HAVE to bring him?
Sally: Only if you want to.
Slip: *To Sach* Yer stayin' here.
Sally: (She takes Slip in her arms) You're the best detective ever, honey.
Sach: (Mumbles to Whitey) How come he always gets the girl? I never see us getting the girl!
Whitey: *Shrugs* I don't know.
Butch: (Sighs at Sally and Slip) Ain't that sweet, Chuck? You think they'll get married?
Chuck: It is sweet. *shrugs* They might.
Ma: (Sighs) Those two are gonna be so happy with each other when they ain't tryin' to kill one another.
Sally: (She smiles at Slip) Good work, Sherlock Mahoney. (Kisses him deeply)
*When they separate, Slip is thoroughly dazed, with a huge grin on his face.*
Sach: Yeah. (Grins) And that's the kind of work he likes most!
Slip: Can we do that work again, Sal?
Sally: You bet. (She kisses him again, even deeper this time)
Sach: (Frowns at the camera) Hey! (Pulls the curtain in front of them, blocking the two...but he can't resist peeking in the curtain as we hear "oohs" and moans from Sally and Slip and fade out on Sach.)