(We open in Sheila's offices at her home. She sits behind a wide, elaborate desk, writing something with a quill. Zelda comes in, not looking happy. She settles down next to Sheila with a sigh.)
Sheila: (Doesn't look up) You can stop moping, Zelda. We'll find those boys.
Zelda: I was so close!
Sheila: You really want them, don't you?
Zelda: Yes, I do.
Sheila: So does DuVal. Apparently, when England was in one of their invasions of Ireland, he took over their parents' mansion...and by extension, them. (Makes a face) He says they weren't too gratefull. Kept trying to run away, especially the fat one.
Zelda: I could share.
Sheila: (Makes a face) They don't interest me. They're children. (Smirks) How would you like to keep them? Without sharing them with DuVal. We'll keep a lot of other things, too, like those, ahem, boats he sends out to discreetly pick up the cargo from other ships.
Zelda: I'd love that.
Sheila: DuVal's pirates have the money rolling in. And not just gold, either. We have a stranglehold on many things the Colonists rely on, including molasses, spices, fine cloth, and sugar. They won't get those things without having to pay heavy taxes...to us. We'll be the richest women in the New World.
Zelda: I'm all for it.
Sheila: It's just a matter of handling DuVal. I know he has something up his sleeve. He probably thinks he's going to cut us out.
DuVal: (He enters at this point, smirking) Hello, ladies. (Sits down in the other chair opposite Sheila) Working hard, I see?
Sheila: Yes. I was just working on our finances.
DuVal: I just talked to that little ass who sold me the faulty ship. I'll have him arrested before the day is out. (Snarls) Encountered those two little Mahoney brats, too. I couldn't get them to come with me like good servants, but I did give the elder one a slap on the back that sent him reeling.
Sheila: You let him escape.
DuVal: I've tried to send my men after him. It's no good. He and his brother just keep disappearing, along with three of the boys from the tavern.
Sheila: What we need is a way to bring them to us. Zelda misses them.
DuVal: Oh she does, does she?
Sheila: She had a lovely time with that little one. Did some fine work on him, from what she told me.
*Zelda just grins.*
DuVal: How would you like to have one of them for always?
Sheila: What do you mean?
DuVal: Have either of you ever want to take a husband? You're both well past the age of consent.
Sheila: I've yet to meet a real man in the colonies.
Zelda: I would!
DuVal: You can both have my servants, then. They have no choice in their brides. As their legal guardian, I can choose whom they marry.
Sheila: I have absolutely no interest in either of them.
DuVal: (Turns to Zelda, ignoring Sheila) Which one do you fancy most, Zelda dear?
Zelda: *Grins* I like the chubby one.
DuVal: He's yours...although I must warn you, he's a feisty one. He's tried to run away from me more times than I can count. I've had to teach him a lesson myself several times. You'd think he'd learn.
Sheila: He's a mouthy little ass. Has no respect for his betters.
DuVal: Never has. He still thinks that "family fortune" is his. I got it and the children fair and square.
Zelda: I love a challenge.
Sheila: Don't think for a second I'd wed his wimpy little brother. That boy wouldn't last two seconds in bed.
DuVal: (Turns to Zelda) Don't you think she and the smaller boy would make a fine couple?
Zelda: *Chuckles* It sure is an interesting mental image.
Sheila: No. Absolutely not. I am not marrying a child.
DuVal: Think of the money, Sheila! (Turns to Zelda) If you two wed the Mahoneys, you'll get their money and land in Ireland.
Sheila: I'm not going to do it.
DuVal: They were worth quite a sum in Ireland. (Turns to Zelda) And you had so much fun with little Charles, didn't you?
Zelda: I did.
Sheila: (Thoughtful) You really had a very good hold on that child, didn't you, Zelda?
Zelda: Yes, I did.
Sheila: Then they could be easily put under hypnosis? The spells I taught you when we were traveling the Orient.
Zelda: *Nods* I think so.
Sheila: Perhaps they could be useful as husbands after all.
DuVal: They're both clever...but you should be able to keep them under your thumbs.
Sheila: If we can keep them away from those idiot friends of theirs, we should be able to hold them in the spells.
DuVal: Then it's settled. As soon as we can get our hands on those two and bring them back to my country estate, we'll hold the weddings.
Sheila: But before that, we'll draw up the contracts and discuss who gets what part of their lands and fortune.
DuVal: Very well, ladies.
*We cut from the smirk on DuVal's face to the open waters. The boys' boat is sailing along. The Mahoney brothers are at the helm, with Slip steering.*
Butch: (He runs over to Slip) Hey, how much more duct tape do you want us to use on the hull? It's still leaking!
Slip: Dammit. Keep tapin' it until it stops!
Butch: Aye aye, Captain! (He goes downstairs. Sach comes up and runs over to Slip)
Sach: The gallery is all ready and waitin' for the men, Captain Chief!
Chuck: *Grins, shaking his head* That's 'galley,' Sach.
Sach: Well, whatever it is, it's ready an' the boys can eat when they want.
Duke: (He comes up to Slip) You know, we've been out at sea for a week, an' we ain't seen much of anythin' 'sides whales. When are we gonna get some action?
Slip: Ya gotta be patient. We'll find some action soon.
Duke: (Calls up to the crow's nest) Hey Junior, see anything yet?
Junior: Not ye...wait! I see one!
Sach: A whale?
Junior: No! *Points to a large dot on the horizon.* A ship! A ship with the Jolly Roger! Here comes our first action!
Duke: (Frowns as the boat floats closer) They're takin' an awfully long time to come on over. They must have seen us by now.
Sach: Maybe they've got somethin' in mind.
(The boat floats along until it's very close. There are quite a few men leaning over the sides with muskets raised. One man, the tallest, smirks.)
Captain: Hello, Mr. Mahoney.
Slip: Hi, shorty.
Captain: We're just passing by. Thought we'd take a look at your floating junk pile here.
Slip: Well, yer lookin' at her.
Captain: Caught anything interesting yet, besides leaks?
Slip: Nah, though we're lookin' at some drips.
Captain: (Raises an eyebrow) It sounds like someone thinks he's funny.
Sach: He knows he is.
Captain: He does, does he? How funny will he be when that oversized toy is at the bottom of the briny deep?
Sach: I don't know. Chief, do you swim?
Duke: (Reaches for his sword) I think they wanna rumble, Slip.
Sach: But we ain't rumblin'! We're on the ocean!
Captain: I think a fight is in order. Your Captain really needs to learn to watch his mouth every now and then.
Sach: How can he do that when it's on his face?
Slip: I'm always ready for a good fight.
Captain: Men, attack! We'll take them out, then destroy this rusty hulk of theirs.
Sach: Oh boy! I gotta get the other guys! (He hurries downstairs)
Duke: Now we're talkin'. (Mutters to Slip) What's the routine?
Duke: Gotcha. (He head-butts the first pirate who comes aboard, then stabs two through at the same time.)
Sach: (He comes upstairs with the others just as Junior gets down to the deck) Here ya go, guys! (His eyes widen as he sees the band of pirates leap onto the deck.) Here I go, guys! (Slip grabs him before he can take off.)
Slip: Whadaya think yer doin'?
Sach: It's time for me to make lunch!
Slip: Just take the wheel, Sach.
Sach: Ok, ok. You don't have to shout. (He takes the wheel.)
Captain: (He pulls out his sword) I'm going to enjoy this, boy.
Slip: *Draws his sword* That's what you think.
(The Captain and Slip duel up and down the main deck while the others fight around them. Duke fights with two at the same time. Butch slashes the belt of another. His pants fall down and trip him, revealing heart boxers. Buddy and Butch laugh at the guy; Buddy kicks him in the rear.)
(Sach is having a good old time driving the ship, making it go this way and that...and making the people on the deck tip over rather precariously.)
*Whitey and Gabe double-team anyone who gets close. Chuck holds his own against anyone who confronts him.*
Captain: (As he and Slip bounce this way and that) You're gonna pay for that big mouth, boy. My employer told me you couldn't learn how to keep your opinions to yourself.
Slip: What's the point of havin' opinions if ya don't say nutin', hmmmm?
Captain: He said you were a servant. It was your job to keep your mouth shut.
Slip: I ain't no servant, an' I never been known to keep my mouth shut.
Captain: (Slashes hard at Slip) That's not what I heard. I heard your a servant who ran away from his master...whoa! (The ship lists to one side. Sach is spinning the wheel and whistling happily, moving along with the music he creates.
Slip: *Smirks* Yer pretty smug. Gonna hafta fix that. *returns with a hard slash of his own*
Captain: I don't think....whoa again! (This time, Sach spins the wheel hard, sending nearly everyone into the side of the ship!) Who taught that idiot how to drive?
Slip: Who said he knows how?
Captain: Then why is he....ieeee! (This time, Sach turns the boat so hard, several people go overboard...including the Captain and his men! Slip's boys grab the sides to keep from joining them.)
Butch: Holy cow! What's going on?
Duke: I don't know. Slip, maybe you'd better take over the rudder now. We'll go get the cargo before the other guys realize what's going on.
Slip: Gonna hafta before that idiot sends US overboard, too! *makes his way hand over hand to Sach at the wheel*
Sach: (Humming merrily; finally looks up) Oh, hi Chief. Did you get rid of those guys?
Slip: Wit' a lotta help from you...an' ya almost sent us over, too! Quit rockin' the boat!
Sach: What, you don't like my driving?
Sach: Ok, ok. Is the boat still in one piece?
Slip: Yeah, for now.
Duke: (He joins them) Yeah. The other guys are loading the cargo now. Looks like a big shipment of stuff from the Orient - spices, silks, lace, sugar, and molasses.
Sach: Oh boy, oh boy! Louie can make those little cakes I like! The ones with the chocolate bits!
Duke: I sure could use me some nice silk shirts.
Sach: (Leaves the wheel) I'm gonna go see the sugar! (He hurries down to the main deck to help the others load the cargo)
Duke: (Grins at Sach's retreating back) That got rid of him. Maybe you really ought to teach him how to drive.
Slip: *Takes the wheel and straightens out the boat* Think I'm gonna hafta.
Duke: I wonder what they want with molasses and spices? I can understand gold or jewels, but sweeteners and cloth?
Sach: (He has a handful of white crystals) Everythin's loaded, Chief! Shall we head for shore, or look for more boats to raid? And we have to raid more sugar boats. This is good!
Slip: I think we oughta take this stuff back to Louie to disintegrate among the local shops an' poorer families.
Sach: Can I keep a little sugar? Just for special occasions?
Duke: Won't that stuff make him crazy?
Slip: Sach, you ain't keepin' none of that.
Sach: Awww! (Licks his hand) At least I got some now. (Puts his hand in Slip's face) Want the rest?
Slip: *Growls* Saaaach....
Duke: (Grabs Sach's other hand) Why don't we tell the boys what we're doin'?
Sach: Yeah, but...
Duke: (Yells to the others) Start headin' for shore! (We fade out on the boys making their way around on deck and the look of absolute confidence on Slip's face as we fade out.)