(We open in Sheila's austure office over her main furniture store. The furniture is 50s modern, with lots of space-age angles and plush chairs and technology. There's a small radio in one corner on a little table. Sheila and Zelda are both in the office. Sheila is behind the desk in a simple blue wool suit. Zelda wears a soft lilac blouse and a purple skirt with black shoes and takes notes.)

Sheila: We have to find someone to direct that play for the Benefit for the Milk Fund. (Makes a face) I wouldn't be involved with it at all, but I own the theater it's taking place at.

Zelda: *Taps her pencil on the pad* What we need is someone to basically be a patsy. Give us all the control, but they do all the work.

Sheila: Exactly. Perhaps someone who has never directed a day in their life.

Zelda: *Slowly smirks* I think I have a suggestion.

Sheila: I'm all ears.

Zelda: *Wide smirk* Slip Mahoney.

Sheila: (Groans loudly) That idiot and his obnoxious friends?

Zelda: But you have to admit, they'd be perfect.

Sheila: (Nods) True. I doubt Mahoney has ever directed something other than those little lost dimwits of his.

Zelda: Wouldn't require much ability to do so.

Sheila: And he could be easily persuaded to include you in a leading role?

Zelda: I can be very persuasive.

Sheila: I know you can.

*The office door opens. Slip and the boys barge in.*

Sheila: (Raises her eyebrows) And here they are now. How did you get past the receptionist?

Slip: *Shrugs* She wasn't out there. (He nods) We heard you need a director for that play of yers.

Sheila: How did you hear that?

Slip: Louie told us.

Sheila: (Mutters) I'll handle that old goat later. He may have done us a service. (Out loud) Yes, we do need a director, Mr. Mahoney. We were going to try to contact you, anyway. We thought you'd be perfect for the job.

Sach: That was fast.

Slip: *Eyes narrow* Really? Why?

Sheila: First of all, this play is a very dense and layered mystery. We've been told you've worked as a private investigator several times. You know the territory.

Slip: So yer familiar wit' my debilities.

Zelda: *Smirks* Very much so.

Sach: (Gives Slip a friendly shove) See, Chief? We're famous!

Slip: *Belts Sach with his hat* No shovin'.

Sheila: Yes. You also know how to handle directing men. I've seen you direct yours.

Slip: Cuz I'm a natteral born leader.

Butch: (Mutters to Chuck) That boy weren't born. He was found...in a ham locker.

*Chuck grins, nodding.*

Zelda: And you'd get to direct a very beautiful leading lady.

Slip: Who's that?

Zelda: Me!

Sach: She ain't lovely!

Slip: You ain't kiddin'.

Sheila: I think she'd be a perfect leading lady, don't you?

Slip: No, I don't.

Zelda: Oh yes, I would!

Sheila: All I ask of you is that Zelda is cast in the leading female role. You can choose whomever you want for the rest of the cast.

Slip: Yer lookin' at 'em.

Butch: I'll supply the music!

Whitey: How about you, Chuck? Maybe you could be Dr. Watson?

Chuck: *grins* Oh, I'd like that.

Sach: Oh, good. I'll play the dashing, debonair leading man.

Sheila: (Winces, but goes on) I'm sure you'll be...memorable.

Sach: (Grabs Whitey in a hug and grins) And my pal Whitey could handle the spotlights and the special effects!

Sheila: Oh, could he?

Whitey: I'm great with that stuff!

Zelda: You can cast your friends if you take me.

Sach: Aw! (Turns to the Chief) She'll just chase ya an' make Sally mad. You're gonna cast Sally, ain't ya? She's pretty, an' a real good dancer.

Slip: I don't like it.

Sheila: I'm your boss. I say I like it. Zelda is not a bad actress.

Slip: We got no choice, fellas.

Sach: But we don't gotta like it!

Sheila: No. Just do it.

Slip: Fine. Zelda's the leading... *disgusted* lady.

Zelda: *Grins proudly* Yay! *Gives Slip a kiss on the cheek* I knew you'd have me!

Sach: Hey! (Pulls Slip back) My Chief's reserved! He's got a lady!

*Slip wipes his cheek off, scowling.*

Butch: (Mutters to Chuck) Maybe we'd better get outta here, before your brother breaks his vow never to hit a lady.

Chuck: *Nods* But quick! *Takes one of Slip's arms* Letís go, Slip. We gotta run some auditions.

Slip: Fine, fine.

Sheila: (Gives him a business card) Call this number when you have the full cast list.

Slip: *Slides the card into his jacket pocket* I will.

Sach: (Waves at the ladies as they head out) Bye!

Sheila: (Smirks as the door closes) They'll be perfect. They'll never suspect what we really intend to do with this money. Or that the play was written by the worst possible writer we could find and is a convoluted mess that Nick Charles, Sam Spade, and Philip Marlowe couldn't figure out if they all worked together.

Zelda: *Smirks, nodding* The best director on earth couldn't save this play.

Sheila: We'll make a mint for our...activities.

*We cut over to Louie's back room, where we see a sign that reads "Auditions Today".*

Sach: (He and Slip are in the back room, scripts in hand) Who do we want to audition first, Chief?

Slip: How 'bout Louie?

Sach: Sure! He's been beggin' to try out. I ain't never seen such a ham in my life.

Slip: Alright Louie, yer up first.

Louie: (He comes in, grinning ear to ear. He wears what looks like a costume borrowed from the flashback sequence in "Loose In London.") What ho, my boys! I thought I'd perform for you a passage from a fellow named Shakespeare.

Slip: This oughta be interestin'. Go ahead, Louie.

Louie: (He steps ahead) What, through soft light window breaks. Juliet is the east, and Romeo is the sun.

*Slip raises an eyebrow.*

Louie: How am I doin'?

Sach: (Sighs) I ain't never heard prettier words. That Shakespeare guy musta been somethin'.

Louie: He wrote 352 sonnets. Wanna hear all of them?

Slip: *Sighs* Not really, Louie.

Sach: I say we should take him! He knows pretty words, and he looks good in tights!

Slip: That's yer opinion, Sach.

Louie: And I have experience! (Grins) I'll bet you didn't know ol' Louie once appeared on Broadway in "Abie's Irish Rose." (Pats his costume) That was a long time ago, of course, but I imagine I could still turn a phrase over or two...

Slip: Or turn a stomach.

Sach: We're takin' ya! (Goes out to the door) Next!

Louie: Really? (Grins) Am I really going to be in the play?

Slip: Yeah, really, but only because it's a long play an' we need a lotta people.

Louie: Wonderful! Thank you! (Hugs Slip) I can't wait to be on the stage again! (He heads out, reciting mixed-up Shakespeare at the top of his voice.)