(We open with the five Bowery Boys sitting around their favorite table, none looking very happy. Louie is yelling at them again.)
Louie: ...And I keep telling you, if you're going to eat here, you're going to have to pay for it sometime! What do you think I'm running, a food bank? No! I'm running a Sweet Shop. Now, I expect you to cough up some dough, or out you all go!
Slip: But, Louie, none of us got a cough right now!
Sach: Could you use that dough to make us a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Louie: I don't care if any of you have a cough or don't have a cough! I wish you'd cough yourselves to death! And no, Sachula, the last time I made cookies anywhere NEAR you, you ate them all, and I had nothing for actual paying customers, which you are not.
Sach: Can I help it if you make good chocolate chip cookies?
Butch: Can't we have more time, Louie? We'll make money somehow!
Whitey: Most of us are in between jobs right now!
Chuck: And the paper's been slow.
Louie: That's what you ALWAYS say...before you take over my back room and destroy it! Laundromats! Horses! Boxing rings! Mediums! You once turned my whole shop into an escort service! I'm afraid of what you boys will do to this store next!
Slip: Louie, before you completely run off your track, we've helped you lotsa times! So those things didn't come off too well. You can't remember only the bad things!
Louie: Name one good thing, then.
Slip: We made the 295.05 for ya.
Louie: And blew up that scrap-pile you call a car and ended up borrowing money to get it fixed anyway.
Sach: How about the time we found all that money? We paid you!
Louie: Only after I took the money you found in the gutter!
Slip: You still got paid.
Louie: Yeah, but I don't see any of that money in my hand now.
Slip: *Makes a face* Then may we please sit here silently an' WISH we had food an' money to pay for that food?
Butch: Maybe we could run errands for you?
Louie: Yes! Fine! You can all run errands for me. Sally's away for a few days visiting friends. Anything to get you out of here!
Slip: Ain't much point of bein' here if Sally ain't here, anyway.
Louie: She'll be back at the end of this week, Slip, so quit moping.
Sach: He's been mopin' ever since she left.
Slip: I ain't mopin'.
Chuck: *Mutters to Butch* Much.
Louie: Maybe a trip over to the butcher's shop to get me ground meat for burgers and country-fried steak will make you feel better. Whitey, why don't you work on fixing that radio in the front? Chuck, you can write an ad for me to put in that paper you work for.
Chuck: *Smiles* I'd be happy to, Louie.
Whitey: *Salutes* Will do, Louie! *goes to the radio*
Slip: Do I gotta go the butcher's? That guy always gives me a hard time. Ever since I had that cold an' he thought I wanted a pint of Central Park.
Louie: Then Sachula will go to the butcher's. You go to the green grocer's and get me some tomatoes, some lettuce, and some potatoes.
Slip: Ehh. *Heads out*
Louie: Butch, you go to the market and get me some flour and molasses. (Hands him some money) And if you catch Slip, give him some for the vegetables, too.
Butch: Thanks, Louie! (He heads out. Louie turns to Sach)
Louie: Here you go, Sachula. Don't lose that money. I need three pounds of ground beef - the less-expensive kind. Don't buy the sirloin. That's more expensive.
Sach: Will do, Louie! You can count on... (he trips over a chair) ...me! (Rights the chair) I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Chuck: *As he pulls some paper out of his briefcase* He becomes more of a piece of work every day.
Louie: He's certainly something else. What else...well, I'm not sure. (Smiles at Chuck) Do you need a pencil or a pen?
Chuck: No, thanks, Louie, I've got everything here in my briefcase. Is there anything particular you want me to include?
Louie: All right, Chuck. (Pats his shoulder) You do good work. Just say we're at 3rd and Canal and are havin' specials every day. $.50 milkshakes and $1.00 sandwiches with extra cheese and pickles.
Chuck: *Nods* I can do that, Louie. *turns to the paper* Lets see... "Louie's Sweet Shop. Come join us for our daily specials. We have $.50 milkshakes and $1.00 sandwiches with extra cheese and pickles. Just drop in at 3rd and Canal. We're open 10:00 AM to 9:00 PM on weekdays and until 10:00 PM on Friday and Saturday." *pauses and nods* I like that.
Louie: (Nods) I like that, too. You're quite a writer, Chuck. I'm surprised they haven't given you a raise at that paper yet.
Chuck: *Small smile* Thank you, Louie. That means a lot. *sighs* I guess it just hasn't been my time to shine yet.
Louie: (Pats him on the shoulder) You will someday, Chuck. You will. I'm sure of it.
Chuck: *Sighs as he leans his chin in his palm* Some day...
(Fade out as Louie pats Chuck on the shoulder. Fade in on Sach climbing into a cab.)
Sach: Ok, sir, take me to Sacall's Butcher Shop on 54th Street, please.
Driver: Sure, buddy. (He pulls out. Cut to the taxi on the street, now stuck in traffic. Sach makes a face.)
Sach: We would get stuck! Louie's gonna have my head if I don't show up soon with this beef. (He sighs and settles back) That ol' Louie! He never wants to have any fun. Won't make me cookies anymore. Well, maybe I don't want his old cookies! I'll make my own cookies! I'll be the best baker ever! (He closes his eyes with a satisfied sigh.)
(The screen gets wavy. When we fade back in, we're in what looks like a land made of nothing but cookies, candy, and cake. Sach stands in a gingerbread house, leaning over a huge oven. He wears a chef's hat and a peppermint-striped apron. A beautiful blond woman wears a matching peppermint-striped dress and half-apron.)
Woman: *Joins him* Oh, Sach, dear, your cookies are so popular!
Sach: I know. I just can't help it, Vivian. Everyone loves my Chocolate-Chip-Banana-Sardine Cookies!
(That's when all four guys come in. Chuck wears a suit and has the word "press" in his hat and carries a notepad and pencil.)
Vivian: Looks like you may have some fans.
Sach: Ahh, customers. I guess you boys want our house special-ties.
Butch: We sure do!
Chuck: I'd also like to get an interview with you, Mr. Jones.
Sach: Of course! (He puts his arm around Vivian) But we must include my lovely assistant Vivian, too. I wouldn't know what to do without her! She's the sweetest treat in the bakery!
Vivian: Oh, Sach sweetie! *blushes*
Chuck: Why of course!
Sach: Vivian and I make so many cookies, we couldn't begin to count them all! And they all sell. But none more than the ones with chocolate in 'em. 'Cause they're the best. Is anyone gettin' hungry jus' talkin' 'bout them?
Butch: What's the recipe?
Sach: Oh, it's a secret. I wouldn't want this gettin' out! After all, these are the greatest chocolate chip cookies known to man, woman, or anyone else!
Slip: Couldn't we tempt you in some way, Mr. Jones?
Sach: Nope! These are my best cookies. I don't want some cookie thief tryin' to steal 'em.
Chuck: I'm sorry, sir. My assistants get a little overzealous sometimes.
Sach: That's all right. (He pulls out a bag of cookies) You guys can have some anyway. On the house! 'Cause I'm a nice boy.
Butch: Oh boy!
Sach: (Turns to Chuck) Just tell your newspaper that we're always open, an' we're always makin' the best cookies around.
Chuck: I'd be happy to, sir!
Louie: (He bursts in, wearing a chef's hat and apron) I MUST have that recipe! I'll pay you anything, sir! It'll be great for my own sweet shop business!
Sach: Ooh, a rival owner. Boys, get this no-goodnick out of my shop! He'll never get MY recipe!
Butch: Come on, guys. Let's get this thief out. (Whitey, Slip, and Butch all grab Louie by the arms.)
Louie: No! I want that recipe! Sachula! (But they finally manage to drag him out of the store.)
Sach: He was just a peasant anyway. (Turns to Vivian) Not like you, my little chocolate-chip-banana-sardine cookie.
Vivian: You always say the sweetest things, Sach!
Sach: You're so cute. You're as cute as a lemon-meringue pie with lots of sugar on top.
(Sach dips her and kisses her. As he does, the screen gets wavy. When it subsides, we're back in the still-stalled-in-traffic cab. Sach leans against the seat, sighing, his eyes a million miles away.)
Sach: Yeah. My own little shop, and my own Sally. Sure would be nice...
*Suddenly the cab door opens, and a blonde woman climbs into the cab.*
Sach: (His eyes jolt open) Huh? Wha...
Driver: Where to, sister?
Woman: The docks please.
Driver: Meetin' someone?
Woman: Yes, I am.
Sach: Wait, I have to get to 54th Street!
Driver: So we'll go by way of the docks.
Sach: But Miss, I... (That's when he sees that the woman is not only gorgeous and smartly dressed in a simple blue suit, but looks exactly like the woman from his cookie daydream) Vivian... (His lips go)
Driver: How did a horse get in here?
Sach: Vivian...you're Vivian...
Vivian: *Her eyes narrow* How did you know my name?
Sach: I heard it in my dreams...
Driver: This guy's screwy!
Sach: You're beautiful. (He kisses Vivian's hand and goes into his Ronald Coleman impression) My darling. My dearest. I've watched you these many days from afar. How I'd love to kiss your lips...your eyes...your nose...
Vivian: *Smiles* You're cute. I suppose you'll want to go around again?
Sach: Oh yes...yes...
Driver: Do you still want to go to 54th Street, pal?
Sach: I'll go wherever she's goin'.
Driver: Marry him, lady. He's nuts about you.
Vivian: The docks, please.
(Cut to New York's docks at South Street. Sach is still gazing lovingly at Vivian.)
Sach: How come you wanna go to the docks, my little sugar bowl?
Vivian: I'm meeting someone here, dear.
Sach: Not a boyfriend, I hope.
Vivian: No, not a boyfriend. A...co-worker.
Sach: Oh. Well then, that's different. (They stop; he takes her hand) Can we share a cab again sometime? 'Cause I'd sure like to see you again sometime. Maybe we could even go out on a date?
Sach: If you're not married or anythin'.
Vivian: No, I'm not married. You're cute. I think you could help me.
Sach: I'd love to help you...
Driver: Lady, why don't you ask him to jump off the pier why you're at it? I think he'd do it. You have him wrapped around your entire body, which isn't all that unpleasant, if you get my drift.
Vivian: That isn't necessary. Come with me...ah, what was your name?
Sach: Horace DuBussy Jones, my Vivian, but my friends call me Sach. (Grins) And you are definitely my friends.
Driver: You want me to wait for ya, lady?
Vivian: Would you be so kind?
Driver: (Nods) Sure.
Sach: (As they climb out) We can't be too long, though. I've gotta get some ground meat for my friend Louie. He'll have a fit if I'm not back soon! He runs a sweet shop on 3rd and Canal at the Bowery. Makes the best banana splits ever, but he won't make me cookies.
Vivian: Don't worry, Sach, you won't be late.
Sach: All right. I like you. Would you like to come to Louie's with me after we pick up your friend? (They head for the dock)
Vivian: We'll see, Sach.
(They stop by a gang-plank with a sign "The Princess Patricia Cruise Ship docks today at 2:30" by it. People are streaming down the gang-plank, including a non-descript looking older man in glasses and a suit. He carries a briefcase. He finally stops and embraces Vivian.)
Man: Hello, Miss Campbell. It's so nice to see you again. (Nods at Sach) Who's this? Is he a friend of yours?
Sach: (Shakes the man's hand) My name is Horace DuBussy Jones, and any friend of Vivian's is a friend of mine!
Man: (Murmurs into Vivian's ear) Can we trust him? He looks completely crazy.
Vivian: Exactly. That's why we can trust him.
Man: If you insist, Vivian... (Out loud) It's so nice to meet you, Mr. Jones. Would you like to join us for tea?
Sach: (Shakes his head) Sorry, but I have to get to the butcher's on 54th Street and get some ground round for my friend Louie. He's gonna be squawkin' his head off as it is! I know I'm real late. The Chief won't like it, either.
Vivian: It won't take but a few minutes, Sach. *touches his arm* For me?
Sach: Yeah. (His lips go again)
(They climb back into the cab. Sach snuggles against Vivian on one side, while the man sits on their other.)
Man: Driver, try to avoid traffic as much as possible. We want to get to 988 Fifth Avenue as quickly as possible.
Driver: (Raises an eyebrow) You guys real ritzy, huh? Work for some big-shot?
Man: Just get us there, driver.
Sach: Wow. Do you work for a big-shot?
Man: Let's just say that we work for very important people.
Vivian: It doesn't matter who, does it, Sach? *nuzzles his neck*
Sach: (Blushes) Uh, no, not at all. Not while you're here.
Man: Driver, we really must be going. We may be late. (He holds the suitcase harder)
Sach: (The camera catches a glimpse of a black car in back of them and of Sach's eyes seeing it) Vivian, I think we're bein' followed. There's some big car behind us.
Vivian: Driver, please, we must hurry.
Sach: Why? Why would someone follow you?
Man: Driver, please hur... (But he's never able to finish. We hear what sounds like a huge "pop!" The window smashes, and the man collapses onto the seat. The back of his head is covered with red.)
Driver: What in the HELL was that?
Sach: What happened? What went off? Is this the Fourth of July? (Looks around)
Vivian: *Screams* Oh, dear! Please, we must lose them!
Sach: (He touches the man's head...and withdraws his hand quickly) Vivian, please tell me this is paint!
Vivian: I wish I could, Sach.
Sach: You mean...he's...dead? Dead-dead? Like, gone-forever dead?
Vivian: *Nods* I'm afraid so.
Sach: (Jumps away from the man) Viv, we've gotta stop. We need to get this guy an ambulance, or a rabbi, or something.
Vivian: Calm down, Sach. *sighs* He'll be taken care of.
Sach: By whom, the Jolly Green Giant? Next thing you know, every guy with a gun in New York will be takin' potshots! Driver, stop the car! (Looks out the door) We're at Louie's anyway.
(The car stops right next to Louie's. Sach climbs out, followed by Vivian.)
Sach: Viv, we have to call the police, or at least get my friends. (Grins at her) Boy, would they like to meet you!
Vivian: Well...I suppose...
Sach: Come on! We've gotta call the police. My pal Louie has a phone in his shop.
(All four of the Bowery Boys jump up at once when Sach comes in and heads for the phone booth.)
Louie: Where have you been? I was about ready to call the police to go look for you!
Slip: Did you get lost again?
Sach: (Over his shoulder) I didn't get lost. I was takin' a cab to the butcher's, and I met a lady. (Sighs) And what a lady! The most beautiful girl in the whole world. Think Virginia Mayo and Vera-Ellen put together, but better. (Talks into the phone) Yeah, hi. Officer Murphy? I'd like to report a murder.
Butch: A murder?
Slip: Did you hit yer head?
Sach: No, I didn't hit my head. The cab's out there, dead guy, girl, and all. (Into the phone) You'll be right over, Officer? Thanks. (He slams the receiver down, then frowns and steps out of the booth, looking around) She was supposed to have come with me! (Looks behind the jukebox and the radio and under tables) Vivian! Oh Viiviiiaaaannnn! Where are you, my little chocolate-chip-banana-sardine cookie?
Louie: Sachula, are you sure you're feeling well?
Slip: Oh, this boy is flipped!
Sach: Honest, guys! She must have gone back outside to do pay the cab driver.
Butch: Maybe we should check it out.
Chuck: It couldn't hurt.
Sach: Come on! (He leads them outside...but there's no cab there, and no Vivian.)
Butch: I don't see anything!
Sach: But...but...it was here! It was here just a few minutes ago!
*Slip just shakes his head.*
Officer Murphy: (He joins the boys) Horace, my boy, what seems to be the trouble here? I don't see any murders, Sach. Have you been reading the crime comics again, son?
Sach: No...well, yes, but this was real! I really saw it! Vivian saw it, too!
Officer Murphy: Vivian?
Slip: His dream girl.
Sach: Yeah! The most beautiful girl in the whole world, and she isn't a dream! I saw her! Really, I did!
Officer Murphy: Horace, why don't you go home and get some rest? (Turns to Slip) How long has he been like this?
Slip: He's been this bad since he just showed up a few minutes ago. We sent him to the butcher's hours ago an' he finally shows up wit' no meat an' a wild story.
Officer Murphy: Maybe you should take him home and put him to bed with some nice hot tea and a water bottle.
Sach: But I ain't sick! I really DID see a car, an' a beautiful lady, an' a dead guy!
Slip: Well, where'd they all go, Sach, hmmmm?
Sach: Maybe she took that poor guy to the hospital!
Slip: I think you need to go to the hospital.
Sach: But Chief...
Butch: Maybe he should go home and lie down.
Sach: Honest, I really DID see it!
Slip: *sighs* Sach, go home an' lie down.
Whitey: I'll go with ya, Sach.
Sach: (He puts an arm around Whitey) That's my boy! You know I'm not lyin', right?
Whitey: Uh sure, Sach!
Sach: Let's go home, 'an I'll tell you all about it.
Butch: (As they head down the street) I sure hope Sach is ok.
Officer Murphy: What has that boy been readin' lately?
Slip: Junk he shouldn't be readin'.
Officer Murphy: I hope he can get some rest. He sounds like he's goin' daft, with all that talk about dead men and cars that ain't there!
Butch: Do you think Sach is goin' crazy, Slip?
Slip: Goin' crazy? He was born crazy! *goes back inside*
(Butch and Chuck shrug at each other and join him. Officer Murphy moves along.)
(Cut to the Boys' boarding house room. The door flings open, and Whitey and Sach comes in. Sach flings himself onto the couch.)
Sach: (Sighs) Maybe takin' a nap won't be such a bad thing. Maybe I'll dream of Vivian.
Whitey: *Nods* You do that, Sach.
Sach: Yeah. (He leans back in the couch and closes his eyes, a big smile on his face. The screen becomes wavy again as the camera fades out on his happily dozing face.)
(When the camera fades in, we're in what looks like the medieval court set from "Bowery and the Beanstalk." Louie, in his emerald king's crown and robes, sits on a throne. A tall, red-haired man in a jester's costume stands behind him. Slip and Chuck, dressed as knights, stand on either side. Butch wears his green nobleman's costume from "Sally and the Beast" and carries a flute.)
Officer Murphy: (He drags Vivian, in Sally's blue day gown from "Sally and the Beast," in front of Louie) King Louie, your majesty, we caught this fair maiden tryin' to run away! She killed a man, an' that's a crime for which she must pay!
King Louie: This slip of a maid killed a man?
Officer Murphy: Killed one of our best knights, sure as day, Your Majesty!
Slip: She's nutin' but a waif, Sire.
King Louie: Is there anyone willing to avenge this lovely lass and stand up for her?
Sach: I am, Your Honor! (He and Whitey come in. Sach is dressed in knight's armor, like Slip and Chuck. Whitey wears his red nobleman's outfit from "Sally and the Beast.") I'll stand up for her!
King Louie: (He laughs) Jester, Sir Mahoney the Younger and Elder, do you believe this? This is no knight! Just silly Sach the Long-Nosed and his friend Whitey the Page.
Sach: I think I'd be a great knight!
Slip: Are you kiddin'? *nods toward the Jester* He'd make a better knight than you!
Whitey: Sach would be a great knight if you just gave him a chance!
Sach: Yeah! (Points to Slip) I challenge your best knight to a duel! The winner gets the chick!
Slip: *Folds his arms* Yer pointin' at 'im.
Jester: *Strums a mandolin that seems to have appeared out of nowhere; sings* For we're going to see a duel, to see who wins the maiden...
(Butch plays along with him.)
Sach: You only think you're the best, 'cause no one's ever challenged you! You just hit 'em with your hat an' make 'em sit in the corner. (He pulls out his sword) In guard!
Slip: *Rolls his eyes and draws his sword* EN guard, you fool!
Sach: That, too. (Whitey ducks out the way as the two get into a very heated match. Sach easily ducks away from Slip's thrusts. He finally gets Slip on the floor and knocks the sword from his hand.) Ok, wise-guy, who's the great knight now?
Slip: *Sighs* For today, not I.
Sach: No kiddin', pal. (He turns to Louie and bows before him) Your Honor, I humbly beat your best knight.
King Louie: And you did a wonderful job. You're more than worthy of becoming a knight. Whitey the Page will be your squire.
*Whitey grins widely.*
Sach: (Officer Murphy moves aside as he goes to Vivian) And my fair maiden, I'll stand up for you any day, if I could only find you.
Vivian: You were wonderful, Sach!
Sach: You're pretty wonderful too, my fair maiden. I love you, no matter how many guys get killed around you. (He dips her and kisses her as the screen gets wavy again.)