(We open with Sach, Vivian, and Whitey ducking into the lobby of the large department store. Sach looks around him and gulps.)
Sach: Vivian, does anyone here look like they're going to kill us?
Vivian: No one looks like it, but that doesn't rule anyone out.
Sach: Ok, then. (Points at a man in a dark suit reading a newspaper) What about him? What if he's hiding a gun back there?
Whitey: Then we hide!
Sach: (Sees the man move) Maybe we ought to hide now! (Sees another man, this one in a long cape and with a longer, scarred face; points to him) Oh boy! Doesn't he look like a killer?
Whitey: He really does!
Vivian: Letís not take any chances!
Sach: Isn't there a place around here where we can hide? (He runs under a register, but the cashier shoos him out.)
Vivian: I have an idea. Follow me... *leads them into the women's section*
Sach: What kind of an idea?
Vivian: *Points at the sign for a fashion show* We're going to hide in there.
Sach: (Makes a face) I'm not interested in girls' clothes!
Whitey: I'm not interested in women's clothes unless there's a woman IN them!
Vivian: *Gasps, looking beyond them* You'd both better get interested quick. Two men just came in, and they look very suspicious!
Sach: (His eyes widen when he sees that the men are both rather large and burly...and have bulges in their coats that could very well be guns) Um, yeah. Whitey, I suddenly have the urge to wear a dress.
(He yanks a dress off the rack and runs for the nearest dressing room.)
*Whitey does the same, following Sach.*
(Vivian stands guard. After a few minutes, Sach comes out first. He actually wears his lady's costume from "Hold That Line." He strikes a pose for Vivian.)
Vivian: *Tries to not laugh* Very nice, Sach.
Sach: (In his most feminine voice) Why thank you, dahling! (Over his shoulder) Whitey, come on!
Whitey: *Comes out in Juniorís outfit from "Hold That Line"* Are they still here?
Sach: (Looks around; his eyes widen when he sees two of them coming right at them) Yeah! Oh boy, we've gotta get outta here!
VIvian: Inside! Hurry!
(They hurry past the women's section and into a room where other women are gathering. Sach and Whitey manage to lose themselves in the crowd with the other women, but an older woman takes Vivian's arm.)
Woman: Aren't you that new model they sent us?
Vivian: Ummm, why, yes...yes, I am!
Woman: Wonderful! Come this way, please... (She leads her behind what looks like a stage.)
Sach: (As he and Whitey take a seat in an audience filled with women and a few men who were obviously dragged there) Hey, I wonder what's goin' on?
Whitey: *Shrugs* I don't know.
(That's when a man in a fussy grey suit with a fancy pink and gray tie walks out. He smiles.)
Man: Ladies, welcome to Macy's Annual Spring Fashion Extravaganza! I'm your host and the designer of many of the amazing outfits you'll be seeing here, Louie DeChanz. First up is our collection of stunning gowns for your very best occasions.
(One of the first women on the stage is Vivian, wearing a gorgeous white gown with a huge multi-tiered, sequin-and-rhinestone-trimmed skirt. Sach's mouth drops open the moment he sees her.)
Sach: Holy cow, she's the most gorgeous woman I ever saw. She's even prettier than Ginger Rogers, from those old Fred Astaire movies. Whitey, ain't she beautiful?
Whitey: *Nods* Yeah, she is.
Sach: Wow... (He leans back and closes his eyes, humming the Irving Berlin song "Puttin' On the Ritz." The screen gets wavy again.)
(When we fade back in, the stage remains...but the women are now surrounding a tall young man with red hair who stands in front of a microphone. We see Butch leading an orchestra behind him that includes Bobby Jordan on the saxophone and Billy Hallop on the drums.)
Young Man: *bows* Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Daniel, and I will be leading you through an evening of music and mystery... *pauses as though someone's talking to him* What? What do you mean, there's no mystery? *turns back to the audience and gives a big arms-thrown-out shrug* Sorry, folks, I guess it's only music, but you can dance if you want. *smiles and turns to bandleader Butch* Maestro, if you please? Letís put on a little Ritz.
Butch: Right, Dan! (Turns to his orchestra) Here we go! (And they begin "Puttin' on the Ritz" as Chuck and Whitey lead Goldwyn Girls onto the floor, followed by Slip and Sally. They all dance together. Slip and Sally get a brief solo dance before they part...to reveal Sach and Vivian, dancing up a storm! Sach wears a white tux. Vivian wears a variation on her white gown from the fashion show with white heels and a shorter and less heavy skirt. Sach dips her and kisses her as the song comes to an end.)
Sach: You are so beautiful, Vivian. You're the prettiest dancin' partner a guy ever had.
Vivian: And you're the most handsome!
Sach: I wish we could keep dancin' forever.
Vivian: I wish we could too.
Sach: (Turns to Danny) Hey Dan, do you know anythin' fun?
Dan: Do I know anything fun? *starts speaking with a French accent* Moi? But of course! I am the Anatole of Paris! *Signals Butch; continues in the French accent* It all began when I was born a month too soon
My ma was frightened by a runaway saloon
Pa was forced to be a hobo
Because he played the oboe
And the oboe it is clearly understood
Is an ill wind that no one blows good...
Sach: He's sure good! (Yawns) But I'm kinda tired after all that dancin', Viv...
Sach: (Yawns louder) An' I really like this guy, too. Better than any ol' fashion show...
*The screen goes wavy as we start hearing Whitey say Sach's name.*
Sach: (We fade back in on the fashion show; Sach has dozed off) Huh? Oh Vivian, he's real good...
Whitey: *Makes a face* Sach? It's me, Whitey!
Sach: (Shakes his head) Whitey? Where am I? Where are we? (Looks at himself) Why am I wearing a dress?
Whitey: Huh? We're trying to hide for those two men! Sach, what's wrong?
Sach: I guess I dozed off. (Nods at the fashion show; there's a man singing "Anatole of Paris" onstage) Hey, he was in my dream!
Whitey: *Jerks a thumb* Him? Sach, *puts a hand to Sach's forehead* are you sure you're okay?
Sach: I'm fine! (He looks behind him, then turns back around quickly as the song ends and the man bows) Whitey, don't look now, but those goons we saw back in the ladies' department are here!
Whitey: *turns to look, then turns back & groans* And you told me not to look!
Sach: We've gotta get outta here! (He stands and makes his way past the women watching the show) 'Scuse me, pardon me, ladies. I've gotta, uh, answer the call of nature.
Sach: (He and Whitey meet Vivian at the front door; she's now back in her regular clothes) We saw those guys back there! They might still be after us!
Vivian: This way... *leads the boys to the makeup section*
Sach: Makeup? (He looks around) I don't need this stuff! I'm handsome enough without it!
Saleswoman #1: (She smiles at Vivian, Whitey, and Sach) May I help you...ladies...with something? Perhaps some eye shadow? We have eye shadow in six different colors!
Sach: Uh, no thanks... (He sees the men making their way through the makeup department, wandering around all of the booths) Yeah! (He jumps on a stool) I'll take all of those shades! (Nods at Whitey) And so will my pal Whi...uh, Willa!
Saleswoman #1: (Nods at Vivian as another woman joins them) I'll bet you'd look gorgeous in some of that new Petal Pink lipstick, honey. You have such a peaches and cream complexion! I wish I had a complexion like yours.
Sach: I think she'd look gorgeous without anything at all.... (He sighs; the saleswoman looks at him strangely)
Saleswoman #1: Do you?
Sach: (Blushes; in a higher voice) Oh, yes! She's so pretty, she'd look good in anythin'! Willa an' I are jealous! Ain't ya, Willa?
*Whitey just nods eagerly.*
Saleswoman #2: (As she does Vivian's lips) You're such a beauty. I'll bet all the boys are after you.
Sach: (Mutters as the other saleswoman does his eyes) I know I am.
*Vivian just sighs.*
Saleswoman #2: (She beams at Vivian) Oh, you look just lovely, dear! (Shows her the new lipstick in the mirror) What do you think?
Vivian: *Smiles* I love it.
Saleswoman #2: Will you be buying that? It's 80 cents, dear.
Vivian: *pulls out a dollar bill* Here you go, keep the change.
Sach: (He raises his eyebrows; his eye shadow is at least four different shades of purple) How do I look, Viv?
Vivian: You look... *laughs* lovely.
Sach: (Flutters his eyelashes) Why thank you, dear! (Turns to Whitey) How about you, Whi...uh, Willa?
Whitey: *He's covered in blush* Oh, that's pretty!
Sach: Here. (He pulls out a couple of dimes) This is for the makeover. We ain't takin' it. (Grabs Vivian's arm and points to the men, ignoring the dismayed saleswoman) They're comin' right at us!
(Indeed, the men seem to be making their way towards the booth the three sit at.)
Vivian: We need to go...and now!
Sach: Won't have to ask me twice! Come on! (They all rush out of the makeup department as the men hurry after them.)
(Cut to the trio climbing into Vivian's car. Sach and Whitey are back in their own clothes, but they still wear the makeup.)
Sach: (He looks over his shoulder, his eyes wide) Vivian, those jerks are still followin' us. (Frowns and squints) At least, I think they are. Do you know anyone nice who drives a big black car?
Vivian: No, I don't.
Sach: (We hear gunshots; Sach and Whitey duck) Oh geez, now they're pullin' out the big guns! It's startin' to sound like a cop car chase in a gangster movie!
Vivian: Hold on tight, boys! *stomps down on the gas*
Sach: Whoa! (They speed ahead. The other car follows them. As the group whips down the narrow streets, we hear a police siren in the distance.)
Sach: Oh boy. I think they don't like us driving so fast!
(Vivian pulls the car down a side street. The cops continue following the large black car, but doesn't see Vivian's roadster.)
Sach: Whew! Nice one, Vivian.
Vivian: *sighs* I wasn't sure if that would work!
Sach: (Nods) Yeah. We got lucky. (He grins again) So, how about that date?
Vivian: I think perhaps we ought to separate for a little while. You know, throw them off.
Sach: Good idea. I'll stay with you. (Grabs her arm)
Vivian: That isn't what I meant, Sach, and you know it.
Sach: Well, ya can't say I didn't try. (Shrugs) Drop us off at Louie's. No one would ever think to look for us there!
Vivian: *Nods* I can do that.
(She pulls up in front of Louie's. Whitey and Sach jump out.)
Sach: Thanks, Vivian!
Sach: Hey, wanna come in and see the guys? Just for a minute?
Vivian: Sure, but just a minute.
Sach: Ok! Stay here! The guys have gotta see this! (He turns to Whitey) Let's go get 'em, before she takes off again!
(They hurry into Louie's. The other three Boys sit at a booth, sipping sodas. Louie is wiping tables.)
Louie: There you are, boys! We thought you'd gotten lost again!
Sach: We didn't! We found Vivian!
Louie: There goes that talk about a girl again!
Slip: Where'd ya find 'er this time?
Sach: She found us! We were walkin' along, an' she stopped by and took us to her uncle's mansion! (Grins) But we can't talk about that part. Real hush-hush stuff. (Points to the door) She'll tell ya! She's right outside!
Butch: Should we do it, Chief?
Slip: Letís amuse him.
(They head outside...but this time, they see the back side of Vivian's car and the black car speeding by, along with the cop car.)
Sach: (Points) There she goes! Vivian, come back!
Butch: Which one? The black car?
Sach: No, the little roadster! I swear fellas, she was just here a minute ago! Whitey saw her, too. Right, Whitey?
Whitey: *Nods* Yeah!
Louie: You're both going crazy!
Sach: No way! We saw her!
Butch: Then where is she?
Slip: This don't prove nutin'.
Sach: She was being chased by those guys in the black car. Honest! We saw it!
Louie: I'm going back inside. I know there's people in THERE. (He returns to the Sweet Shop.)
Butch: Are you sure you're feeling ok, Sach?
Sach: I'm fine, and so's Whitey! Why does everyone keep askin' me that?
Butch: What about you, Whitey?
Whitey: I know I saw her...
*Slip just groans and follows Louie inside.*
Butch: Then where is she?
Sach: Probably being chased! I'll bet she'll be back any second now!
Butch: (Rolls his eyes) Right. Come on, Chuck. Why don't we go to the newspaper and see if we can find any good stories? Maybe we'll even find some true ones.
Sach: But we really did see a girl! Why do you think we're wearin' makeup?
Butch: You and Whitey were playin' with your younger sister's makeup kit again and forgot to take it off.
Sach: We only did that once, an' my sister got mad!
Sach: Fellas! (But Butch and Chuck turn around and head for the newspaper office; he turns to Whitey) You saw it too, right? We did all that stuff together! We're wearin' women's makeup! We wore dresses!
Whitey: Sure we did! *pauses, more quietly* I thought we did...
Sach: What do you mean, "I thought we did?" We did it! You were there!
Whitey: It sure seemed real, but... *gulps*
Sach: Oh Whitey, I'm goin' crazy! (Sighs) Maybe we just need to get a drink at Louie's, if he'll let us. An ice cream soda might clear our heads.
Whitey: *nods* I'm all for an ice cream soda.
Sach: Come on. (He and Whitey enter; Slip is still there) I hope that poor chick ain't in trouble. What if that uncle's gonna do somethin' to her? I didn't trust him. His eyes were too close together.
Slip: *Looks at them* Are you still goin' on about that?
Sach: But Chief, she was real! Honest! Whitey saw her, too!
Louie: (He joins them) They're still talking about a girl?
Sach: (He sighs) Louie, just get us two ice cream sodas.
Louie: Can you pay for them?
Sach: Uhhh... (He sticks his hand in his pocket...and pulls out a black book) What's this?
Whitey: The black book!
Sach: (His eyes widen) THAT black book? The one Vivian an' her uncle said people would (gulps) kill for? (He immediately shoves it at Whitey) You take it! I don't want people shootin' at me!
Whitey: *Shoves it back at Sach* But I don't want that, either!
Sach: I sure don't want it! (Shoves it at Slip) You take it, Chiefy! You're brave!
Slip: *Waves the book back and forth* Sach, what's the deal wit' this thing?
Sach: Oop! We can't tell you, Chiefy. It's spy stuff. Real hush-hush, ya know. Vivian an' her uncle said not to tell, an' we ain't no tattle-tales, right Whitey?
Whitey: *Nods quickly* Right.
Slip: *Holds the book out to Sach* Then I can't hold this for ya.
Sach: Why don't we show ya what's goin' on? We know where she lives! She lives in a big mansion on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. We could take Lucy there.
Slip: *Slides the book inside his jacket* You do that. Show me.
Louie: Just be careful. Those big mansions on the other side of Manhattan have security systems and dogs and who knows what else!
Sach: Vivian's our friend! She wouldn't send dogs or security systems after us! (Opens the door) After you, Chief.
Slip: 'Bout time.
(They head for Lucy, their ancient Model T jalopy. Slip gets in the driver's side. Whitey gets in next to him. Sach settles in back.)
Sach: I sure hope we can save Vivian 'fore somethin' happens to her. They already shot one guy. The might decide to shoot a lady. (Shudders) An' I know there was somethin' I didn't like about her uncle. He reminded me of a bad guy from one of those old silent movies with the chick on the log an' the guy rescuin' her.
(Sach leans back in Lucy as we hear her backfire and see her start down the street. His eyes rest on an old-fashioned movie poster on a revival house, one depicting a beautiful young woman chained to a log with the saw coming closer and a big, handsome man in a Mountie uniform releasing her. The screen gets wavy as we focus on the poster, and the black-and-white becomes grainier and less focused.)
(The music now picks up speed and sounds like it's played on a piano...and in fact, as the camera takes us to what looks like a log mill, we see Butch in a corner, playing the piano feverishly.)
(The uncle now wears all black, with a long cloak and wide-brimmed black hat and a long mustache that he twirls while trying to look evil. He leans over Vivian, waving the black book in her face. Tell me more about this, my pretty, or I'll cut you to ribbons!)
*Vivian shakes her head, No, she won't! No matter what!*
(Marcus strokes her arm, pulling at her pretty ruffled 1910's-style dress. Perhaps, then, he'll have to hurt her. He pulls her onto the log and wraps chains around her until she can't move. Now talk, pretty one!)
*Vivian shakes her head again. No!*
(He laughs - or at least, looks like he's laughing. The next card says "If you won't talk, you'll die!" He turns the lever next to him...which starts the log on it's slow climb to the buzz saw at the top!)
(Suddenly, Slip, Whitey, and Sach, all dressed in Mountie uniforms, burst into the room. Sach runs over to Marcus and grabs him, shaking him. You let her go, you bad guy, you!)
(As he shakes him, the camera shows the keys to the chains fall out of his pocket. Marcus sees this...but he's too late. Whitey pounces on the keys before he can.)
(Sach and Slip get into a huge fist-fight with Marcus as Whitey tries to pull the lever so they can save Vivian.)
(Sach finally delivers a huge punch to Marcus' chin that knocks him against the desk. He's out cold. He even has little stars around his head!)
(Sach turns to Slip and grins. The title card says "Nice work, Chiefy!")
(The two run over to Whitey, who struggles with the lever. Sach is able to get the lever down on his own by just pushing it with his little finger. Whitey helps Sach free Vivian, while Slip ties up Marcus.)
*Vivian fully embraces Sach. The title card says, "My hero!"*
(Sach grins, dips Vivian, and kisses her...but his head shoots up as Slip shakes his shoulder and we hear backfiring.)